Which team should Randy Carlyle coach?

Randy Carlyle is in the news! A year and a half after being fired by the Maple Leafs on The Epiphany for no discernible reason, Carlyle is now the big name on the NHL coaching market. And why shouldn't he be? He won a Norris trophy in 1981! He had a third place vote for the Jack Adams trophy after being fired! He even once coached a rag tag pee-wee team who knew almost nothing about hockey all the way to winning the Stanley Cup! Or am I getting him confused with someone else there?

The point is such an experienced and proven winner will no doubt have his pick of assignment. So where should he go?

Ottawa Senators

The Senators fired Coach Dave Cameron after a disappointing season where they missed the playoffs. World renowned hockey mind, and team owner, Eugene Melnyk called some of Cameron's decisions "stupid".

Cameron was the sixth coach of the team since the Senators lost in the Stanley Cup Final (to Randy Carlyle) 9 years ago. Other recent fired Senators coaches include Craig Hartsburg, who lasted only 48 games, and a bug-eyed fat walrus.

Surely Carlyle will make the seventh time the charm.

Pros:

• The enjoyment of once again scratching Clarke MacArthur for no reason
• Reach his goal for Dion Phaneuf of playing him 60 minutes a night
  
• Finally finish teaching Bobby Ryan all of his "tight systems"
• Conveniently located unisex hair salons
• Chris Neil's contract extended for another season
• Half of salary paid in Golden Palace Egg Rolls

Cons

• Half of salary paid in Canadian Tire money
• It's conveniently located in fabulous Ottawa
• It's conveniently located in Ottawa
• It's located in Ottawa
• It's in Kanata
• Working with that uppity Swede who already has more Norris Trophy wins and hugs other players instead of fighting them
• The goalies are OK. Just OK.
  
• Golden Palace Egg Rolls two hours after eating them /

Calgary Flames

The Flames fired head coach Bob Hartley only one season after he won the Jack Adams Award for allegedly being the best coach in the NHL. Some have suggested he took the Flames as far as his skills were able, and it was indeed time for a new coach.

I think it's more likely Brian Burke did it in a fit of anger after losing the draft lottery again, and pounding back a fifth of whisky, and renting a barn.

Pros:

• So many promising young stars to bench and never explain what they did wrong
• Lots of slow, bad, 30+ year old defenceman to pair with Dougie Hamilton
• Participation in the Battle of Alberta Tax Dollars with the Oilers
  
• Working in the city that created the best brunch cocktail ever, large quantities of which will be necessary when they Flame out of the playoffs again
• Everyone agreed to stop "dousing" the Flames after I wrote this hot take!
• Taking away the only possible hope of a job Ron Wilson has left
• It will prove Flames Nation wrong!

Cons:

• Brandon Bollig wouldn't even fight that know-it-all college boy Jonathan Toews
• Everyone knows the Flames' goalies are horrible so you can't blame them for failing/

Anaheim Ducks

The Ducks fired head coach Bruce Boudreau because Bob Murray is a bad GM and screwed up the team and someone had to take the blame even if it was the coach with a solid winning record.

Carlyle was hired as coach of the (Mighty) Ducks in 2005. As we all know his team won the Stanley Cup in 2008, defeating the Senators. And while the entire world of hockey is grateful for the Ducks preventing the SNES from winning their first ever Cup, and their fans becoming horribly insufferable as a result, it's well documented he had fuck all to do with that win. It was a team with an incredible line up of perennial NHL All-Stars, and, now, Hall of Fame inductees.

When he was fired in 2012, it was basically because the players mutinied and threw him out the door of the Honda Center, tired of his bullshit.

Pros:

• Nothing other than the entertainment of making the heads explode of every player and fan of the Ducks/

Cons:

• Nothing other than the minor point that the entire team and fan base totally despise him, except;
  
• It would prove Gary Lawless correct about something/

So where should Carlyle go?

VOTE IN OUR POLL!

Which team should Carlyle coach?