Yesterday, Sportsnet published an article going over the various nicknames in the Maple Leafs locker room. The end result was...mostly terrible. Look, I’m not expecting huge amounts of creativity here, but let’s have some fun.

I had some fun, so here are the nicknames the Leafs should be going by.

Zach Hyman: Flower

I mean....come on, how is this not his nickname.

Patrick Marleau: Old Mar
Matt Martin: Mid Mar
Mitchell Marner: Young Mar
Martin Marincin: Mar Mar

So many Mars, so little time. This is like a Goldilocks and the 3 Bears vibe here, and it’s pretty good.

Dominic Moore: Ping Pong

Moorsey is fine, but with his annual ping pong tournament how could it not come into play?

Eric Fehr: Him?

Someone on the Leafs has to be an Arrested Development fan, and no one embodies the spirit of Egg Anne more than Eric Fehr.

James van Riemsdyk: Chomper

I’m surprised his mother hasn’t read him the riot act over his improper mouth guard use.

Connor Brown: "-72"

When you’re drafted with a +/- almost in the -100’s, you should never live it down.

William Nylander: Floyd

It’s a bit of a work around, but he’s pretty, so we started with Pretty Boy, which was also the name of bank robber ‘Pretty Boy Floyd’, and so it just turned into Floyd.

Josh Leivo: Popcorn

The snack he hate must hate the most by now.

Auston Matthews: Papi

That’s his nickname at home. It was at least kind of creative. Why ruin it Maple Leafs? “Matty”. Feh.

Nazem Kadri: Lil' Shit

Look, sometimes you just have to call it as it is. When I sassed my drama teacher in high school he called me a ‘little shit’ and it stuck for a while. Seems like it’ll stick forever for Naz.

Leo Komarov: Uncle Leo

They got this one right.

Ron Hainsey: Tightey Whitey

Right?

Connor Carrick: Sam

Poor Connor. Someone thought he was the prospect called up on his first day with the team and he never corrected them. Now he’s Sam forever.

Nikita Zaitsev: Zed

The article says he’s called “Zee”, but this is Canada. Do it right.

Morgan Rielly: Captain

Just get used to it now.

Andreas Borgman: Locutus

This one is too much for me, I said “Picard” but who am I to argue with species on matters like this?

Frederik Andersen: Legos

Never step on him.

Curtis McElhinney: Temp

Sometimes the truth hurts...

Those are what the nicknames should be. Now here are your links.

Joffrey Lupul will be able to go on LTIR. via the front page.

Maple Leafs Hot Stove transcribes a Lou presser.

Centre of Leafs Nation looks at the upcoming year.

Frank Seravalli thinks Matthews will score 50 goals. via TSN.

The Maple Leafs are adding four more players to Legends Row:

More players are getting through waivers and Open Ice Hits asks if they’ll go the way of the Offer Sheet.

Anaheim Calling previews the Pacific Division

Jack Eichel’s agent says he took less money to make the Buffalo Sabres competitive! via Die By the Blade

Down Goes Brown previews the worst of the league.

The Vegas Golden Knights will donate $300k to shooting victims. via Knights on Ice

Tom Wilson was suspended twice in the same pre-season! via Lighthouse Hockey

Silver Seven Sens wants everyone to have low expectations for the Senators this season. Done.

Have you been following the minor league hockey drama? I haven’t because good lord why would I go near anything that comes close to touching the GTHL? Anyway here;s a CBC article on the half ice vs full ice nonsense that’s been going on.

Enjoy your day everyone! There’s a real hockey game that matters tonight!

From The Branches