Wednesday’s FTB: We are proud to announce the grand opening of our new sports bar

PPP Industrial Solvents and Kitten Ranching Concerns GmbH is proud to announce that we will be opening a new sports bar that will revolutionize fine foods and watching sports — Empty Calories Gastropub.

It will be conveniently located at historic 1 Species’ Basement Ave, located in the basement of the building to set a familiar and comfortable atmosphere for hockey bloggers in Toronto. It will be known for it’s diverse menu, friendly staff, outlandishly expensive add ons.   Our servers will be led by Leafs’ great, James van Riemsdyk. All servers will have the same novelty chain around their ankles, just like JVR — the original servant in Species’ basement.

As a high-end gastropub, we will enforce a strict code of conduct for adults. The dress code forbids t-shirts with graphics, and insists on cargo shorts with a slight insistence on Leafs jerseys. There will be no running allowed into or within the restaurant, and we have a zero tolerance policy to umbrellas.

You can also reserve a table and order from our menu online (for delivery or take-out) via our Authenticat App. (Warning: app may experience frequent updates that no one wants or likes to include exciting new functionalities, like not actually refreshing the page to show new menu items or prices. Or work. At all. Ever).

Here is an artist’s rendering of what it will look like inside:

Here is a quick preview of our menu:

DRINKS MENU:

Katya — Buck A Beer | $1.00

You have to go out in the woods, shoot a buck, drag it in and then you get a Defenderale beer.

+ add venison order to your entrée | $11.00

Kevin — Draft Expert Beer | $10.00

Only the best, fullest draft beer from all over the world served in a large glass and accompanied by an encyclopedia and breakdown of the quality, history, and assessment of the beer. You may notice a slight decline in the quality of the draft beer after the fourth round.

+ add draft profile of your chosen beer | $11.00

HardevLad — Hard Chocolate Milk | $10.00

Low-fat milk containing double the usual amount of premium French cocoa powder, mixed with a shot of Kahlúa and a shot of Vodka.

+ add curly licorice straw | $11.00

nafio — My Milkshake Brings All The Paramedics to the Yard | $10.00

Milkshake made with low-fat milk and two scoops of chocolate gelato and bananas, served in a yard glass.

+ add lactose pills | $11.00

APPETIZERS:

Acting The Fulemin — Mailbag Soup | $10.18

Alphabet soup servied in vegetable broth with tomatoes, potatoes, parsley, bay leaves, thyme and seasoned with salt and pepper. Comes with 10,000 noodles and the only letter noodles included are H-Y-M-A-N.

+ add S-D-A letter noodles | $11.00

DESSERTS:

Annie - Philadelphia Brownies | $19.75

Classic fudge brownies with caramelized pecan nuts and drizzled with dark chocolate sauce. The Brownies are placed on a table on the opposite side of the pub floor, you can eat the brownies if you get there while being pelted with snowballs and batteries. Totally worth it.

+ add two scoops of chocolate gelato | $11.00

GROUP/PARTY MENU:

Arvind — Taco Bell Challenge Combo | $50.00

It’s just everything on Taco Bell’s menu. Yes, EVERYTHING.

+ add side soup of pepto bismol | $11.00

ENTRÉES:

Species — JVR’s Power Play Penne | $19.67

Classic homemade Italian red-sauce made with eggplant, orange bell peppers and Italian sausage, and topped with smoked gouda, parmesan and edam. Served by a bashful server.

+ add garlic bread | $11.00

Elseldo — Tote Bag Beef | $20.07

Braised shanks of beef with wine and tarragon, fall-off-the-bone tender, with sharpened bones to use in your coup d’etat. It is served in a PPP tote bag, and comes with a mail in rebate if the eater promises to plug the restaraunt in their blog.

+ add bobblehead | $11.00

Achariya — Bless Your Heart Attack | $19.92

Pieces of gator tail meat (Did you know the alligator is the official animal of Florida?) soaked in cornmeal and deep fried, served with french fries and deep fried key lime pie.

+ add defibrillator | $11.00

Brigstew — Zesty Zucchini Zwiebelrostbraten | $26.00

Austrian roast beef topped with red-wine gravy and fried zuchinni shavings.

+ add zopf bread side | $11.00

MENU NOTES:

Our menu will give you the choice of over 50 kinds of mustard, but will provide no ketchup — you can bring your own, but it will have to come in individual packets in your cargo shorts pockets.

ONTO THE LINKS!

2018 Top 25 Under 25: #20 Semyon Der-Arguchintsev | by Acting the Fulemin

So you’re saying there’s a chance: seventh-round wonders — Part 1 | by Katya Knappe

Connor Brown on John Tavares’ homecoming and other news | by MLHS

Monday Mailbag: August Edition | by Scott Maxwell at TLN, who will be hearing from Fulemin’s lawyers.

What should be asked of USA Hockey’s controversial hire John Vanbiesbrouck? | by Scott Burnside at The Athletic

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Where would you rather eat?