[Ed. note: Please see this apology from the author before proceeding]

I love the NHL online store. It’s such a wonderful place of goofy shit no one ever needs, and jerseys, and clearance jerseys of players who have been traded or let go. I haven’t visited in a while, but someone on twitter mentioned JVR was in the clearance section and I was all whaaaaaaaaaat?

Does someone in the NHL Store know something we don’t? Being the brave person to plunge to the depths of the NHL Store so you don’t have to, I jumped in.

The very first two items that came up: James van Riemsdyk jerseys:

Okay that horrific black one I get, clear that shit out, but that one on the left is a new logo jersey! Those shouldn’t be on clearance unless someone is gone......

Scrolling down a little and we see last years JVR jersey!

Bernier is the only other player I’ve seen so far, and he was traded. The worry gorws. The hunt for the truth continues.

I see Joffrey Lupul, and Phil Kessel, and James Reimer, and Dion Phaneuf. Other players who won’t play for the Leafs again. My fears get larger. Why hasn’t there been any news anywhere else? Why is the NHL store breaking trades now?

What is going on here? Only JVR and ex-Leafs are featured? WHERE ARE YOU JAMES?

I keep looking, trudging through shirts and old Winter classic garbage, gloves with tiny pom poms on each finger, and...oh wow, I need this.

Anyway, back on track.

Combing through pages, after pages of JVR merchandise, knocked down to “get it out of here!” prices.

Jerseys, shirseys, hoodies, even the autographed photos!

I’m crying at my desk. “No, JVR! That’s such a sweet contract! How will we replace you!”.

I start going through the stages of grief rapidly.

“No! This isn’t happening!”

“GODDAMMIT LOU THE RETURN HAVE BETTER BEEN GOOD!”

“What if we trade Bozak and Hunlak instead? Combined they could equal JVR, right?”

“Fine, whatever, back to the Nonis era I guess”

“Okay, I bet it’s out west, they wouldn’t want him coming back to haunt us too much. Go Enjoy San Jose James, they have a shot, you deserve it.”

I send my findings off to the PPP team, in my tear blinded eyes I make out the response from Scott:

“He changed his number so they could retire number 21 on opening night, dummy.”

Oh.

Which button do I press to delete an article? The green one?

I’ll press the green one.

Empty Calories