Simmons? I’m not sure I know that name, but don’t click on it. It looks dumb.

The Maple Leafs have a pretty clever group of guys running things. Brendan Shanahan, Kyle Dubas, Brandon Pridham, Laurence Gilman and Mike Bacock are all smart in their own unique ways. But even the smartest people can be confused by life.

Here’s five things we made up to form a shameless listicle article to mock Steve Simmons.

One: Why is Nylander or Matthews sexy in glasses and I’m just a nerd? —Kyle Dubas

Well, Kyle, have you seen this?

That’s just how it is. Also:

It’s not just the young guys. Sorry, Kyle.

Two: Why does everyone think I have an accent? You all talk funny, not me. —Mike Babcock

Mike, that’s a good question.

But if you’re going to claim Saskatchewan has its own science and the bus driver was the doctor, maybe you should consider why Patty Marleau has to repeat everything you say to the guys. How’s that?

Three: Why can’t we do a Freaky Friday where we swap jobs? What do you mean no one will notice? —Brandon Pridham and Laurence Gilman

Well, guys, it might be your passing resemblance to each other, your biz-school-grad wardrobes, or…

It might be that time you had a two-hour fight about which fill colours you like to use in Excel to lead people to read the numbers how you want them to.

Four: Why hasn’t anyone realized yet that Mitch Marner is actually a 35-year-old man who has been pretending to be a kid for years? —Brendan Shanahan

Well, Brendan, I realize this is your masterwork as the author of the rebuild, finding this man who was passed over in the draft 20 years ago for being short and making him a star, but the fact is, people see what they want to see.

You really didn’t need to make this ad to deflect people from the truth.

Five: What exactly is Fortnite? —Everyone

Guys, I feel you on this confusion. It’s so hard to keep up. Fortnite is much like this:

And that, Leafs fans, is what the Maple Leafs brass are really confused about.

Empty Calories