The Toronto Marlies have recently had a "20 Questions" feature, allowing fans to gain insight into the qualities and quirks of Marlies' players and officials. PPP recently requested the chance to interview Auston Matthews in the same vein, and I'm happy to report that we imagined this article when the Leafs said no.

What is your nickname in the dressing room?

Mr. Bread.

Do you have any tattoos?

One. It's a picture of a desk.

Who has the worst style on the team?

All of our jerseys are the same.

Would you rather score bar down or 5-hole?

As long as the team wins, I will accept goals of either variety.

What is your favourite sports movie?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

What TV Show are you into right now?

The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer.

Who's the best coach you've ever had?

Each coach I have had has been the best.

What linemate have you had the most success with?

Each linemate I have had has been the best.

What is your favourite road city?

Every city I have visited has been better than Buffalo.

What other sport would you like to professionally play?

Chess.

How do you kill time on the bus?

Riding the bus is its own reward.

Why do you wear your jersey number?

It was mandated that each of us wear a number for the purpose of identification.

What is your go-to Karaoke song?

The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

What's your favourite cheat meal on an off day?

To cheat one's own rules is but perverted self-deception and disguised moral frailty.

How many goals do you expect to score this season?

As many as the team needs, and only that many.

What's your favourite NHL logo?

The logo on the front of the jersey.

Any pregame rituals?

I count grains of sand on an abacus until I reach the cube of our pro-rated win total.

Greatest moment of your life so far?

Of necessity, my birth was a precondition to all subsequent moments, and so must be the greatest.

Who is the worst trash talker on the team?

Mitch comes in here with this weak-ass shit every damn day like we're supposed to respect his wimpy fucking chit chat and I just go out there and dunk all over his ass.

What is your relationship status?

Each girlfriend that I have is the best.